RI. FEARS AND INSECURITIES

New beginning

Call it first day blues. I was completely lost in the sea of new faces. I was hesitant and apprehensive while eagerly waiting for directions and instructions. Certainly, I don’t feel alone, my guts instinct told me the rest of my cohorts were in the same boat as me. My primary school mate Tamilselvam was in another class because he was taking Tamil language. My new classmates looked serious liked me. Some did look very smart, other seemed disoriented. I remembered the first few days were tensed for me.

Sec 1 (1968) Back row 2nd from left

My fear of getting kick out of RI

They realisation of being in a best secondary school soon dawned on me. RI traditionally selects the best students from all over Singapore, but here like many others, I felt completely undistinguished among my cohorts. I was just like any average kid. It wasn’t like in primary school where both teachers and schoolmates knew me well. Commonsense told me I was never going to be the best among the best. But I was fearful of being the worst. Only at the end of the year will my academics ranking be known. There was always this lingering fear that I got into RI by fluke and be thrown out at the end of the year.

Social Status

While in primary school, social background among students was rather similar although almost all were oblivious to this. In secondary school, I became more aware of my social backgrounds. Indeed I did sense the social backgrounds here were much diversified. No want ask and no want compare. Apparently, family background was taboo subject.

Uncomfortable about my background

Although I am not ashamed of my background, somehow I still found it very uncomfortable to tell my classmate that I was poor, living in a zinc house with no electricity and living on well water. My mum was a rubber tapper and my father was in his 60’s and working in the rubber estate. I knew it was wrong to harbour such thoughts, something which I shouldn’t, but just could not help it. It was the fear of being belittled and getting ignored. Nevertheless I never allow myself to be inferior because of my poverty. There is no room for self pity and I have abundance of pride and self-confidence to move on.

In primary school, we student were colour blind to race. Here in secondary school, we were blind to social status. RI prides itself on the principle of meritocracy and ensure that best prevails. Nothing stands in the way for this belief.

Living Normal

So for almost the entire years in RI, I found it very difficult to share and talk about my family life with any RI friends. Only in secondary 4 did I finally have the confidence to invite a few friends to visit my house for dinner. Otherwise I lived and behaved normally like any other kids. I get my daily allowance and had enough money to eat during recess. I still manage to save and never borrowed a single cent from anyone. Living within my means was a family value grilled into me by my parents. Like them I take tremendously pride in financial independence, never borrowed from anybody.

Worst than me

I take some comfort to know that a lot of my classmates were worst off then me. But I can empathise with their struggle and pains. It’s easy to tell just by looking at the holes and socks in their Chinese made shoes. Most of us wore cotton shirts and trousers. The richer classmates wore nylon. Using second hand textbooks, broken school bags, drinking tap water during recess or simply skipping recess were some indications of financial well being. Some had to walk more than 30 minutes to school. These were all signs of the challenges and hardships many of my school mates endured.

Old Values

The value system in my days was different from today. Then we count our money first before we spend. Now the children spend first and count later. Parents fetching children to school were almost nonexistent. Walking over 30 minutes was normal. No one bordered to comment on broken shoes or torn uniform. There was no need to make fashion statement by wearing branded goods. By the way, I knew nothing about brands. The word 'peer pressure' wasn't coined then.



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