WORRY AND UNCERTAINTY

Growing Up

In 1969, I was in sec 2. I was growing up physically and well as maturing mentally. All the boys around me too were going through puberty. We grew taller and our voices cracked. Somehow no one talk and discuss about puberty. So we let nature took its course. RI is a boy school and we had no chance to mix with the opposite sex. Invariably, I notice girls are different and somehow felt this strange sensation of uneasiness whenever eyes contacts were made. I would be abnormal if I say I weren’t interested in girls. Somehow I always managed to sneak a look and size up the girl. On the other hand, I too noticed girls looking at me or just staring at my school badge. Particularly a group of Malay girls get excited every time they saw me board the bus. I acted ignorant and kept my composure and remained focus on my study and never stray away from this priority. My parents always reminded me not to have girlfriends till I work. I kept those naughty thoughts away.

I cried at night

At home, I lived through a period of uncertainty, keeping most of my inner fears to myself. My father then was 64. He was worried about losing his $180 job. As he was a very responsible and far sighted man, this uncertainty must have stressed him tremendously. At night he became sick with insomnia and nausea. Normally occurring around midnight, he groaned in difficulties and vomited, most times he puked nothing. I have no clue what the cause was. I will stroke his back to sooth him. The frequent nightly vomiting was very unsettling and disturbing for me. It was painful for me to see him so sick and when I returned to my room, I often cried. I was helpless as I was very worried for his health and at the same time, terrified of the possibility of not finishing my secondary school.

Nobody ever knew about my tears. I had grown up always keeping my feeling deeply concealed. I won’t bother to share my feeling with anyone as I believe I myself will manage my own problem. In my hope, I just wanted to finish secondary school, and then I move on from there and relief his burden. Being an optimist, I assured myself such fear was unwarranted as help would be available. I had to be strong and move on. It was only many years later that I confirmed his nightly sickness was caused by severe anxiety and stress. Those symptoms mysteriously disappeared a few years later when my elder brother started working.


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